PITTSBURGH, PA— Yinzers all over the Steel City flinched last night when Villanova’s Kris Jenkins drained a last second three-pointer to defeat the North Carolina Tarheels for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship.
“Man, I feel for them Tar Heel fans,” said Doug “Sudsy” Flanders of Greenfield. “[CBS] showed their crying faces and all I saw was my own reflection in the mirror after Sid [expletive] Bream scored the winning [expletive] [another expletive] run for the Atlanta [expletive] [expl…eh, you get the idea] Braves.”
Deborah Stevens of Moon said that she “…saw one guy run out into the middle of East Carson screaming ‘NO NO, CHICO LIND!'” and watched in terror as a crowd of women held back their friend’s hair as she threw up by Fatheads while moaning “Don’t take Drabek out, Don’t take Drabek OUT!” over and over.
The Pirates, of course, infamously lost in the ’92 National League Championship Series when the Braves’ unheralded Francisco Cabrera smacked a Stan Belinda pitch to left field, and Barry Bonds (he of the before the cream before the clear…and before the pills and the needles, etc. etc.) inexplicably failed to throw out the one-legged Sid Bream at home plate.
“That Crying Jordan meme thing- that was pretty much me for twenty years,” lamented Dale Polanski, an usher at PNC Park. “Those players crying on the court were me and my friends crying at Primanti’s. Not even a case of Iron City could fill the void that game left in our hearts that night.”
Allegheny County 911 operators reported a spike in phone calls following Jenkins’ game-winning shot last night, most of them of the PTSD variety.
“Fortunately, most of our staff had some experience when [Penguins’ goalie] Fleury had those bad playoff years, so we knew what to do,” shift manager Karen Thomas relayed to Benstonium’s team of intrepid reporters. “Our people told them to calm down, relax, and remember that the Flyers suck.”
“That always cheers Pittsburghers up,” Thomas added.
As for the Tarheel fans themselves, former UNC student Gary Johnston summed up his fanbase’s feelings in one simple sentence:
“We have every confidence that our Dean, Athletic Director, Coach Williams, and the university as a whole will do everything possible to find new ways to commit massive academic fraud and restore North Carolina’s legacy of winning at the expense of everything next year.”
by DX Traeger
